


Random Writing

by alex_is_away



Category: No Fandom
Genre: Anorexia, Bad Poetry, Depression, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-02
Updated: 2018-06-16
Packaged: 2019-05-01 05:48:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14513865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alex_is_away/pseuds/alex_is_away
Summary: TRIGGER WARNING! Graphic mentions of eating disorders in most of these, please do not read if you are easily triggered!





	1. Control

Control

That's all this is

You started because you had none

And now it is an addiction

 

You never thought at age 12 when someone called you fat for the first time

That fast forward 5 years into the future when you would be skipping breakfast and lunch

Just to save those 300 measly calories you limit yourself for dinner

 

Diet Cokes and Tumblr become your best friends

Sipping and scrolling through the "Pro Ana" tag

Reminding yourself why food is your enemy

Telling yourself that these skinny boys are what you need to be

 

You were always the skinny child

But as adolescence reared it's ugly face

The pounds started to climb

 

100, 115, 130

The numbers kept climbing

You knew that something needed to change

So you stopped eating

 

When you started to shed the weight

Everyone congratulated you

Asking for tips on how you did it so fast

You tell them that you are sick

 

"Anorexia is a girls disease" they tell you

You decide that you will prove them wrong

Losing 20 more pounds will show them

Right?

 

That's all you wanted

That reason to keep starving

Huh

This isn't control anymore

 

Is it?


	2. I Am a Flower

I am a flower

I never knew why my mind always went to that

"Describe yourself in one word" they would say

And the first thing the comes to mind is 'flower'

I now know why I describe myself that way

I am a flower when I don't eat for three days

So fragile and thin

Like you could snap my collarbones if you pressed just a little too hard

Or my petals would fall off if the wind blew a little too harshly

I am a flower


	3. I Ruined My Body

I've ruined my body

Anorexia has ruined it to the point of no recovery

From my brain to my skin

It will always be different

 

I will never be able to look at food and not see the calories it contains

My stomach will never be able to hold as much food as it used to

Hair, brittle and thin, will always fall out more than usual

 

I will always feel sick when eating because that little voice in my head says "no more" after just three bites

My nails, forever brittle because the lack of nutrients killed them as well

Next time you think that anorexia is a "fashionable disease" remember how fucked up my body is

 

Remember that it will never be the same ever again

Never forget that I've ruined my body


	4. I Am Damaged

I am damaged

You may not see it the way I do

You may not see it at all

 

It shows itself in the form of depression

The way I cry for no reason at midnight

Faking smiles everyday so no one suspects anything is wrong

 

It shows itself in anorexia

Waiting to eat until 7 pm because I don't allow myself anything after 8 pm

Needing the numbers on the scale to drop to dangerous levels

 

It shows its form in self-destruction

The shallow cuts in my legs from the earlier mistakes in the day

Eating so much when everyone is asleep that you get sick

 

It is the lack of self-care I show myself

Needing to shower but thinking "what's the point?"

Not caring about brushing your teeth because no one wants to see you anyway

 

It shows itself in suicidal thoughts

"What if this bus forgot to stop and ran over me"

"Maybe I should take 20 ibuprofen for this minor headache"

 

I am damaged

But I won't ever let you see that part of me

So please be careful

Please


	5. You Like Girls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is about my current experience with falling in love with a woman that is in love with another woman. I recommend reading this while listening to this song https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G8WLBAUangU

~I grew pretty attached to you when you got close to me~

 

The first time I saw you was the moment I fell for you, I just didn’t know it then. You were so nice to me, so accepting and caring, and all I knew was that I had to get to know you more. You sat and listened when I needed someone, and laughed at the dumb jokes I told, and soon we were friends.

 

 

~But you like girls, and you don’t like me~

 

The time you told me you loved someone else was when I realized I never stood a chance. I knew at that moment that I would never get the chance to be yours. That day was the day that my heart broke but to this day I will never let you know.

 

 

~I wish you liked boys, boys like me~

 

I know that I’ll never be able to work up the courage to tell you that your eyes could light up that night sky, or that your laugh is the best sound I’d ever heard. I’ll never get to say that the beanie you’ve had since high school looks amazing on you and that I wish you would wear that hipster jacket more often because it's my favorite thing that you wear.

 

 

~But I know that you can’t change someone, so I guess I’ll just leave you alone~

 

Even though I won’t ever tell you these things, I’ll still be by your side, telling silly jokes and talking about life over lunch on the weekend. I’ll feel pain every time you talk about the girls you have crushes on, but I will smile through it and support you no matter what because I love you.


	6. So Alone

Alone

Even in a room

Full of humanity

It feels so empty

 

I try to reach out

But the louder I scream

The smaller I get

Soon I'll be completely gone

 

I'm invisible behind these walls

The ones I put up

When life is too hard

Indestructible to even the strongest man

 

But sometimes I want someone to see

To notice I'm not okay

I want people to ask if I'm alright

Because I'm all alone


End file.
